There are some things we can’t force.
Though it is a truth of life, I can’t remember it in every second..
Maybe this is the wonderful part of life, in which there is so many ups and downs; some is uncontrollable, some is unnecessary.
I am on the way to learn..
Hmm… yeah, I need help.
It is hard for me to really talk about this.
Okie, how to start.. There is something that I thought I have overcome yet it is now haunting me.
That I seem not to have close friends in secondary school.
Maybe I am just too bored staying at home. Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe I am just sick, mentally sick. Therefore I ask for help before I am getting more influenced by this sad feeling.
I did not really keep in touch with my fellow ex-schoolmate. I took the initiative most of the time to ask them if they are ok. When chatting with them online I did not really able to chat a lot. When I went to old school, we just chatted a little bit only. We were not like those long-time-no-see friends, when met up we can talk a lot about our experience. Another thing is, some of them did not even like my presence there. I could see it. And I was disturbed by that. Actually I do not really know them, do I? And so they are friends to say ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ only? I do not know.
Frankly, I do feel jealous when they themselves have their own gatherings. I really do feel jealous when they still keep in touch with one another no matter how far they are apart. I do feel jealous when they have memorable memories to talk about. And this jealous feeling is killing me cz I won’t have it… When all the people I know have it.
I envy my roommates cz they have their sec schmates asking them out. I envy cz they are like buddy. I envy cz even they did not meet up so much yet they have strong friendships among them. I envy cz I do not have it.
In my heart I kept telling myself, "Hey, you have close friends in Singapore what. You have lovely juniors what.. They like you to be their friend, don’t they? You had a great time with them! You also have great roommates! What do you still want? Haven’t you got what you want? When you want the attention, haven’t you got it? When you need help, haven’t you got it? When you need comfort, haven’t you got it too? When you want support, haven’t you got it? You should feel contented but not resentment.."
But you know what? I am unsecured and scared. I, still, childishly mind how ppl view me and how they feel towards me.
What a dark feeling. So dark. Eating up my heart, my flesh and my mind.
As a christian, I know I shouldn’t feel jealous. I should feel contented of what he has given me in Singapore. But, I am not perfect. However hard I suppress the feeling, forget the feeling, it will still come back. Threatening me by giving me the feeling that I will be forgotten, that they prefer being with others to me.
I am going to be sick, mentally sick by this idiotic, stupid, unwanted, redundant dark feeling.
Anyone please help me. I really need to overcome it. And let it gone.
Last few times I was able to get over it somehow cz I worried more of my studies. But it is still coming back… and it is irritating.
Was I, or am I, a failure??? Why they just don’t like me?
Now I feel myself hideous… and idiotic..
