Yew….! You again, SAM!

Finally I have the desire to post an entry. Lol..

Well, I have been emo and high, high and emo for sometimes. Perhaps now my yin and yang are not balanced, resulting in having two extreme emotions.

The reason for it I don’t know. But I can only accept it. I have been frustrated as why I should feel emo due to certain things. As if this is a very big thing in my life. Perhaps it is something that I have not achieved and be satisfied about. It seems to be always the same problem and sometimes other things add on to it, making me feel burdened.

I can’t get rid of it.

Everytime when I am overwhelmed by it I pray to God. Though I obtain the temporary peacefulness, it has never been away from my life. I am getting impatient. I am getting frustrated. What can I do?

Luckily, I can still smile. Luckily, it doesn’t affect my routine too much. But it affects my feelings. I wish I can control my feelings.

Is this another trial that God wants me to go through? If yes, I would rather He just takes my life and let me join Him in heaven. Cause it is really hard to manage my feelings. I have no control over it.

And I feel low confident. Aiks, this is no good at all.

Is there a bigger surprises waiting for me? Hopefully there is..

But one surprise has happened. One of my sec school senior is studying in NTU! Hmm, though we were not close, hope he can fit into uni life here. Actually, if it is not him, I would not realise what an interesting malaysian community it is in NTU. Everybody is so unique and interesting. Suddenly I feel that I like them a lot! Haha…

Am I crazy? I think I am! Lol, what am I doing in the second last day before my final day of EXAM? Wasting my time here man… Hehe, perhaps not.. I dunno.. Guess I can only gain back my sanity after my super difficult Business Law.. *sigh*

Think I haven’t touched on something that I frequently feel in uni here ever since I study here. You know sometimes you reach a point where you know there is a change in your life. You know you are gonna experience something different. You are excited about it, yet you are uncertain what your life is gonna to lead you to. You move on and reach another phase of your life. You experience and, at the same time, try to adapt yourself in a new environment.

But this word, "loneliness", has never failed to come across in our lives.

Especially after you have had great friends with you all the time before the change.

I remember myself complaining a lot when I first came. No lift! No bedsheet, no pillow! No fridge! No broom, no mop! Nothing! Argh, so different from my previous hostels! It was then I realised how well my previous hostels’ people have taken care of me. And it was then I knew I need to appreciate them more. Not that I never appreciate them, but I need to do more.

I didn’t join any freshmen orientation camp (FOC). It was kinda bad huh? Perhaps lar, but I was very arragont in the sense that I believed I can manage to know people via some other ways. So I went to visit some of my friends and people whom I saw the need catching up with.

Well, I did know some of the people here myself. As in I tried to know many people, mainly Malaysians, through my friends who I know have joined FOC. I was a bit thick-skinned when I took the initiative to know new people. I thought I needed to know many many people. Think my eagerness has got some of the people thinking I was a senior instead of freshie, lol! XP I must add, it is definitely not because I look old! Hahax

Yet, as I was walking back my room on my own many times, eating in canteen or my room alone many times, I thought, it was so great, so fun last time in hostel. I was pampered, unknowingly, by the people there. My exroommies, juniors and friends. All the time when we were together chatting, laughing, sharing, teasing, gossipping, eating, playing, studying…… etc etc filled in my mind. I was like blaming myself, you lar, so stupid! why on earth choose NTU! see lar, get all the trouble yourself! Complaining, complaining, complaining… Lol… Luckily there was God whom I can rely on, if not I can hardly find the strength to smile even.

As a girl, (I am not saying this applies to all..), I then thought if there is someone who can always be there when I need someone to rely on here, it can be very very nice..! (Sounds so despo.. HEY, I am NOT!! Lol…) Well, I just express what I thought frankly lar, lol.. Sometimes even though there is God whom you can rely on all the time (and indeed when you really rely on Him, you can find rest!), some part in you might nudge you and make you think of the possibility. Well, of course it is not easy to find that "someone", Lord will definitely provide one, just that you don’t know when this "someone" appears. But one bad thing about thinking the possibility of meeting the "someone" is you start to guess who is that "someone". Is this cute guy the one? Or this athletic guy the one? I like to be with him, hopefully he is the one.. So many thoughts going on in your mind…..BAD!!!! At the end what to do? Find rest in God! ;)   

However, one good thing could be you get to know more about your taste, haha.. For example, I like him when he is like this but I don’t like him when he is like that. Hahaha… But the interesting part of life is you might end up with someone whom you complain a lot! It hasn’t happened to me but it could be, as a retribution of me being so demanding, lol! ;D

I don’t know what is going to happen to me. Perhaps that "someone" is gonna to take very long time to appear (God is determined in testing my patience.. hehe). I once dreamt to get married early and one of my friends was like so sure that I’ll be the first one among us to tie the knot with the one I love (who might be the second I love the most after God!). Laugh out loud! I wonder how did she has the conviction to think so when I am still single now. Yet, what she said was comforting too! At least I am not the kind which no guys would like. Haha!

Praise the Lord, although my special someone has not appeared, at least now there are people whom I can eat meals together with. Though most of the time I gotta sacrifice some of my free SMSs just to get some friends to eat with me, it is worth to do so, who ask me to be a social person. No one talks to me I can die one, hahaha…. I remember reading this from my dear junior’s blog, the special someone is the one whom I choose to love. But how do I know I am really ready to love? Haha, guess when I am convinced that I ‘choose’ to love someone, he will be my future husband already. Commitment.. you know… haha XP

Wellz… spending quite some time on this girl stuff.. time to go back to my studies! Seriously I have no confidence in doing my Business Law paper.. So many things! and I don’t know how to apply! *sigh* *cross my fingers* Lord, please help me!!!!

This was a special day as Sean and I had been anticipating. Why? Because we were the ‘programmers’ for the birthday celebration of Xin Yi, whose birthday falls on this date.

Then we decided to add one more girl, Yok Yin, whose birthday is on 13 Nov.

In the midst of the planning, my dear programmer was included as well, as his birthday falls on 20 Nov!

Wow, what a job to plan for these people! However, with God’s grace and the love from all friends, the planning and the preparation and the execution were as smooth as possible.

What we planned was to give big big surprise to Xin Yi and Yok Yin, while on my part, I liaised with Siew Loong, another buddy of Sean, to give Sean big big surprise as well.

So, we didn’t want ADM, as the birthday girls will sure suspect when they went there. We didn’t want to have a simple surprise. We wanted the secrecy, the unexpected surprise, the memorable effects.

From the idea of making use of arrows to get them to a place intended, we made it more complicated when we thought that the first idea might not be able to get the girls out of their rooms, especially during this exam period. We decided to bluff the girls that they were involved in testing a treasure hunt kind of game for next yr MSA FOC. We planned how to bluff, how to prepare the routes such that it looked real, the end place, the card, the cake, the process of the game, the present.. anymore? I can’t remember. For the presents, they were bought last minute as we actually didn’t contemplate buying. Yet, it was good that they were bought.

What’s the end result? Well, definitely they were surprised! Even though there were some ’setbacks’, like the drizzling, someone said sth unintentionally tt caused Yok Yin to suspect, my lousy acting and some part of the plan wasn’t executed, they were insignificant compared to the surprise the birthday ppl had got.

Well, Xin Yi and Yok Yin suspected a bit, Sean didn’t! Yay!! So my acting wasn’t that bad at all! As I was always there planning with him, he didn’t suspect that Siew Loong and I had another plan for him.

Another thing added to the fun would be the sabotage for both Sean and Yok Yin. It was soo fun and noisy, yet no guard interrupted us! What a fun!

So fun to plan surprises for people. While I was planning, I remembered last time when four of us staying in a room, we planned for one another’s birthday and it was getting more and more surprising. I remembered how we prided ourselves that we were good birthday planners! Lol.. But as we are in different uni now, deprives us the chance of continueing our talents for one another, I am glad that there’s a chance here, there are friends here, both allow surprises to happen. What a satisfaction! Thank God.

Yes! I am enthu of blogging abt this! I feel happy, haha…

Yes, have been thinking of Him all the while. Thinking of what He has given to me, from the day He created me till today.

He has given me whatever I need. He has shaped me to what I am today. I take it a joy when I care for someone. Even though sometimes I care too much and don’t receive what I hope to get, I still feel happy that at least I take the choice to care. He has been helping me in so many occasions that I can’t help growing passionate about Him. I hope that this will last forever and ever and ever.

There has been kindness everywhere in my life. I am really thankful about that. I know there might be times where I can’t see kindness but during these periods, I want to be strong in Him. Seeking Him and being able to talk to Him, hearing His voice, knowing Him become things that I really want to pray about everyday.

I know I have done some mistakes too. Sometimes I might value some things or a person too much, so much so that I thought these are the things or he/she is the one who is able to give me great joy. Along the way I feel the disappointment and sadness. Yet, thinking of Him gives me strength. Even though there are a lot of times I am alone here walking, hence feeling lonely, when I start telling Him how I feel, I am satisfied and happy. I start to smile broadly. I know I have to sacrifice some of the things I care for for Him, I know it might be hard but… I’ll try to do that for the greatest is from Him.

If I have things that I value a lot, I would set them aside and give thanks to God. If I have someone I really like, I would thank God for the chance to care and like the person. If I have some feelings I hold on to tightly, I would thank God for the suffering for Lord always knows what is good for us and what we need.

This blog is a love posting for Him for He has created me today for His purpose. I am searching for the purpose. I hope I will still be faithful to Him, no matter what, as He is always faithful to me. I’ll sing love songs to Him; I love Him so much, as He has loved me so much that He has given His only Son to die for us.

Wow wow wow! I am writing an entry here! I am a bit fickle-minded lar, haha, cz I actually tot of not posting anything here. Well, I am doing it now, so yeah.. haha..

Anyway, there are many things happen to me these 2 months. I am in uni now, in NTU. I am staying in a hall which enables me to keep healthy by climbing stairs everyday. Also, I am able to walk at least 10,000 steps per day as I walk to sch almost everytime.

Being away from NUS High is like leaving a comfort zone to me. Only now then I realise how much grace God has given to me there. I had very lovely roommies, juniors and Hall master and its staffs. Not being able to chat with my lovely ex-roommies, eat with them, chill with them etc has caused a loneliness in my heart. This proves that how much they have been dear to me. Also, no juniors to kacau me seems weird. Still, Lord has been faithful, I am able to hang out with my sec sch friend, Beng Beng, and get to know many nice people, both seniors and juniors. Though at this stage I don’t have someone who accompanying me most of the time like my ex-roommies, though I do feel alone sometimes, I choose to believe that God has plans for me and He knows my needs. Maybe this is the time I should devote more time to Him, when I am alone physically doesn’t mean that I am alone spiritually.

Schwork has been alright but things are getting worse. I wasn’t strict to myself such that I could catch up with my work consistently. Projects have been coming in continuously, if not, piling up. Activities are making my schedule tighter. Tuition classes are going to take up more time. Hopefully by the grace of God and with His strength, I would able to persevere.

Been to a church camp. I was brought to Grace AOG by Shari. Thank God that she appears in my life in NTU. I feel very blessed knowing her as through her I join a church which I quite like and I get to know many very nice seniors. This camp was Youth Adult retreat camp. It was relaxing and refreshing in the sense of my biblical knowledge. I know that I should seek God earnestly and just focus on him. Forget about the great achievements I want to obtain and some other mundane things. May I just focus on Him.

Yeah, that’s all for today.

There are some things we can’t force.

Though it is a truth of life, I can’t remember it in every second..

Maybe this is the wonderful part of life, in which there is so many ups and downs; some is uncontrollable, some is unnecessary.

I am on the way to learn..

Hmm… yeah, I need help.

It is hard for me to really talk about this.

Okie, how to start.. There is something that I thought I have overcome yet it is now haunting me.

That I seem not to have close friends in secondary school.

Maybe I am just too bored staying at home. Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe I am just sick, mentally sick. Therefore I ask for help before I am getting more influenced by this sad feeling.

I did not really keep in touch with my fellow ex-schoolmate. I took the initiative most of the time to ask them if they are ok. When chatting with them online I did not really able to chat a lot. When I went to old school, we just chatted a little bit only. We were not like those long-time-no-see friends, when met up we can talk a lot about our experience. Another thing is, some of them did not even like my presence there. I could see it. And I was disturbed by that. Actually I do not really know them, do I? And so they are friends to say ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ only? I do not know.

Frankly, I do feel jealous when they themselves have their own gatherings. I really do feel jealous when they still keep in touch with one another no matter how far they are apart. I do feel jealous when they have memorable memories to talk about. And this jealous feeling is killing me cz I won’t have it… When all the people I know have it.

I envy my roommates cz they have their sec schmates asking them out. I envy cz they are like buddy. I envy cz even they did not meet up so much yet they have strong friendships among them. I envy cz I do not have it.

In my heart I kept telling myself, "Hey, you have close friends in Singapore what. You have lovely juniors what.. They like you to be their friend, don’t they? You had a great time with them! You also have great roommates! What do you still want? Haven’t you got what you want? When you want the attention, haven’t you got it? When you need help, haven’t you got it? When you need comfort, haven’t you got it too? When you want support, haven’t you got it? You should feel contented but not resentment.."

But you know what? I am unsecured and scared. I, still, childishly mind how ppl view me and how they feel towards me.

What a dark feeling. So dark. Eating up my heart, my flesh and my mind.

As a christian, I know I shouldn’t feel jealous. I should feel contented of what he has given me in Singapore. But, I am not perfect. However hard I suppress the feeling, forget the feeling, it will still come back. Threatening me by giving me the feeling that I will be forgotten, that they prefer being with others to me.

I am going to be sick, mentally sick by this idiotic, stupid, unwanted, redundant dark feeling.

Anyone please help me. I really need to overcome it. And let it gone.

Last few times I was able to get over it somehow cz I worried more of my studies. But it is still coming back… and it is irritating.

Was I, or am I, a failure??? Why they just don’t like me?

Now I feel myself hideous… and idiotic..

Hi there, finally I have something to blog about!!! Hmm.. I celebrated my friend’s birthday on tuesday.. haha.. we decided to meet at around 1pm yet I went to Singapore very early like 8:30am. First I went to my hostel, collecting my stuff. Then, to my surprise, I saw something that sweetened my heart a lot. I saw a DIY card from my dear Jo!!! There were photos of RA11-11 and ACJC Msian direct scholars!!!! Oh my.. that was really sweet!!! I looked at it and I thought that I shan’t forget them in any second of my life. They are just super wonderful. Looking at the photo, I realised I do admire my room a lot. Thanks!!! haha… Then I went to school to certify my documents. Due to my carelessness, I actually forgot to bring one of the true copies of the documents. Thanks God that the clerk was good to certify the photocopied version for me, haha.. Then I went to Orchard.. Ooh, I need to talk about this.. I felt happy that day because I still can use my student ez link card!! haha.. So, my bus fare is still $0.45 for each trip… haha.. So I went to Orchard and went into Taka. Hmm… I bought a cup of pepsi and shopped a bit. I felt a bit lonely… hmm… cz I was alone haha… I thought of kacauing someone to accompany me but I thought it is ok to shop alone. Then went to Taka library and read a comic… hmm.. boring and tired… Finally I managed to spend my time nicely b4 meeting my friends.. Haha.. actually I waited for a few minutes before I saw them in the Orchard MRT la.. So then at first I saw hy. We chatted for a while then Jess came. Hy mentioned that we were like long time no see, feeling quite awkward but I did not feel anything, haha… Next, we asked him to describe the present we bought for js. It’s a boxer. A spongebob boxer.. See how nice we treat him hor.. haha… Then we had this idea that he should open the present while we were eating lunch. So after everyone was there, we walked to cineleisure to have lunch. I felt fun to talk to these friends, haha… As how our plan went, we asked him to open the present, haha… You know actually he is quite conservative, haha, so boxer this kind of thing, he wasn’t very open enough to lift it so that we can take a look at it.. haha…. Well, as usual, the guys would go for movie before they went to other places. Hy and js needed to go for our school’s seniors night. I did not go because it was too expensive.. $90.00 le… Haix.. I had to go back haha.. so I went away… When I went back , my dad fetched me to SSI as he had duty. Then I saw my exschoolmates. This time, I did feel weird, haha…. This actually triggered my thoughts.. I was thinking that is it really true that when we did not see one another for a long time, it is different? While we still smile to one another, asking questions like, "How are you?", "What are you doing now?", we somehow cannot find the same feeling anymore. Is it because we did not really keep in touch for too long or is it because we are not so close until we do not feel different? Then I remember one once told me that I was a nice girl but it was just that people will not think of me often… hmm… so then shall I think that if my exclassmates have any gathering yet do not call me, it may be because they do not remember me as their exclassmate? It is a bit pessimistic I guess..

Today is definitely an exciting day.

Today is the day the man for my form teacher, Ms Dorothea Lim is revealed! Haha…

They are married today!!!

And all the ACJC students that know her are invited to witness her wedding, like 2SA1, 2SC3, 2AD4 and Student’s Councilors.

I have to tell you some info about my teacher to explain why am I soooo….excited today. Haha..

She was introduced to us about the middle of last year. My first Gp teacher was going to study further and hence God had brought Ms Dorothea Lim to our class. Well, she is a pretty lady that one of my friends keeps praising her of her look. He got excited whenever reaching her period, even though her period was what most of the students dreaded of(because it is Gp, you know, Gp..argh..). She is very nice to talk to. She thinks that moral values are very important. She thinks that at this age, we should do things responsibly. That makes her a bit old? I dunno, but I share the same opinion with her. I feel comfortable talking to her and ask for advices. She has taught me a lot in Gp and in fact my Gp was imrpoving under her guidance.

This year, my form teacher, again left for further stdies in NUS. So, she became our form teacher. She has been given us little gifts to encourage us in super hectic J2 years. The consultation session with her has benefitted me in the ways of looking at world issues. In a nutshell, she’s a teacher whom I love. She seldom put on make up, so I was imagining that when she put on make up, she will be a stunning beauty. By imagining how beautiful she is, I got very excited. Haha…

So, today, I witness her wedding. At first I meet up with my classmates in Douby Ghaut MRT, sign the card which will be given to her, then walk to the Weasley Church. On the way, we see other class’s students, I see Tian Boon. Then, we are outside the church where I see there are somemore AC students, the Student’s Councilors and guests in front of the register table. We go in after a few minutes later only to find ourselves having no place to sit. So, we have no choice but to sit seperately and away from the aisle.

I get very excited you know. Haha.. I get even more excited when I see my lovely teacher standing at the back of the church with her friends helping her putting her gown nicely. She is there with her father, haha.. Oh man, imagine myself with my father standing over there, waiting to walk to my husband’s side.. Gosh.. I think I would be very nervous, haha..

Then we sing praise to our all mighty God, "In Christ Alone" and "Reaching For You". Somehow I feel that these two songs are close to my heart.

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone will I glory / Though I could pride myself in battles won / For I’ve been blessed beyond measure / And by His strength alone I overcome / Oh I could stop and count successes / Like diamonds in my hands / But those trophies could not equal / To the grace by which I stand / In Christ alone I place my trust / And find my glory in the power of the cross / In every victory let it be said of me / My source of strength / My source of hope / Is Christ alone

How true it is, especially in my JC life. My results are His blessings, my survival is due to His strength.

Next is scripture reading. It is taken from Matthew 6:21 - "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". So the Caplain asks my teacher and her husband, "What is the thing that make you treasure her/him?" The husband answers, "She completes me." and my teacher said, "He allows me to complete him." Isn’t that sweet, oh my, I feel really happy for them.

Then the Chaplain talks about how they met each other an how they fell in love with each other. Also, how he proposed. Haha… he was romantic you know.. He was trying to propose to her when they were scuba-diving. Yet, the first attempt failed. Then, I do not know le, haha.. cz the Chaplain never continues the story.

Then, she talks something I feel is very meaningful. She says that a couple should vow to each other that they will honour each other. She mentions the action of washing feet. This action shows that you honour the person whom you honour, like Jesus honours His deciples. It can symbolise many things, like forgiveness. She says that no matter how dirty the feet are, you still wash them, shows that you forgive the person. She also says that God brings my teacher to her husband so that he will safeguard her heart, likewise my teacher has to keep her husband’s heart safely. Wonderful. isn’t it?

Haha.. then you know la, the "Yes, I do" thing, exchange ring, promise… bla bla bla.. One thing wrth mention is the lighting of the candle. It symbolises long-lasting.

During thanksgiving, one thing very funny is that the groom says it is the time to terrorise parents from both sides as they thank them. They sing a song. They sing a song written by a parent to his child. Ahhh… so sweet, haha…

Haih, I hope I’ll get married soon one day, haha… but who can stand my craziness, I wonder?

Finally finally finally…

It is OVER!!!!

Yet I do not feel extremely happy… I guess that Physics S has scared me for quite a bit..

I just left two days for me to stay in hostel…

Two days…

Feeling sad? I do not know though..

Such a failure huh?

I still remember the day I just moved into NUS High..

OF course I felt sad leaving Oldham hall that time.. Not being able to live together with those friends in oldham got me quite sad.. Yet, the fact that I was going to meet juniors here gave me some joy and excitement.

Some people felt that since we were still in Singapore, we still can meet each other, there’s nothing to feel sad about.. Ah yeah… yet we were not being able to stay together!! The friendships that have been built in the J1 year, I worried, would not continue due to this reason..

Yet, I still had to move. So what can I do is to hope to meet the juniors soon and feel happy about it. Initially I remember, I did not go out since I did not have plans going out. So I stayed back for dinner and of course, tried to get to know some of the juniors.

Luckily I was able to meet some of them and got to know them. What I still remember vividly was Allen ( "Which part(of Msia) are you from?" "Jb." "Oh.. which school?" "Why d’you want to know?" "I am from Jb also you know.." "Oh.. Pelangi." "Pelangi?" "See, everybody’s response is the same.." ) After he knew I was from SSI, he kept being ‘perasan’ by saying students from Pelangi (implying him) are smart. Of course I argue with him SSI students are the best, haha.. We still argue about our sch sometimes after that.

Then, Esther. I remember that since Allen knew I am from Jb, he brought her to meet me and said she was from Convent. So I asked her for her name, she said she was Esther Chan. Then I was like, "Ooh.. that Esther Chan!!!" Then she was like, "What? That Esther Chan?" Haha.. So I told her that I have heard her name in SSI for many times before, then we started to talk about SSI people, how we may meet before etc.

The beginning of NUS High Hostel life.

To describe the details of the life here, it will be too much to put here until I do not know where to start. It is just wonderful. The interactions with juniors are just too memorable. They are too lively and lovely, making me more cheerful. I become a little bit childish when I realise argueing with them brings me joy. I become manja when I know I definitely can get comfort from them. They are a bunch of kind humans who do not mind to help unconditionally. Staying together with them is not worse than staying with oldham people at all, in fact, I feel better.

Initially we were not close as we seldom went out together and during dinner time, everybody was busy and hence finished dinner early and went to do their stuffs. Then, after our first outing, which was Ronald’s "farewell" dinner, somehow we just started to see the importance to interact more with one another. While they encouraged, comforted and cheered us up during our stressful exams, we seniors did reward them by organising some BBQ, dinner outing and "certificate-and-personalised-present giving ceremony" Everything that has been done in hostel here and with the juniors are just super duper wonderful.

Yet, life has to go on. Just two more days I have to say bye bye to this building. I have said bye bye’s to some of the juniors. Now, I have to say bye bye to the desire to stay together with the juniors. The sweet memory will stay forever in my mind. I will still be able to meet them anytime if I want to.. haha…

Hmm.. the end of J2 year. It just ends like that. Finally I will have long holidays. Unlike last two years, after SPM I was off for Singapore two weeks after the exam. I had not rested well yet.. there were so many plans yet to be done. Then the hectic JC life started. But who will know, that these two years are far more better than the 5 years in SSI. I just feel so blessed by God. It is Him who let me pass the selection test. It is by His will that I am studying in this wonderful college, ACJC.  I am not disappointed for not getting into JCs like Raffles, Hwa Chong etc. Yet studying here has given me so much joy and happiness. It is by His grace that I get to know many wonderful people - classmates, schoolmates, ccamates, Oldham hall people, juniors etc etc I feel so loved by Him.. Thank you so much, Lord!!